who can help me edit this chapter?(i’m 16)?


1-Magial equations



If you're excpecting to read another dump story of pyrokinetic heroes,evil ,dueling wizards,and deadly monsters,then I think you've chosen the wrong book.Our story begins in a quiet british street,where victor Crow along with his fairly odd parents lived in a small appartement set in a broad red bricked building.But I don't like to speak of victor crow so casually,for his role in this story is far more bigger than any one would excpect.Victor Crow was 7 years old,when he first found out that he can do math so spontaneously,as a newly married lady would cook for husband,after extensive lessons with her mother.But victor's talent in solving complex,equations,and even creating new ones was undoubtley miraculous.

Since the age of 5 Victor's father,elliot crow,provide victor with a huge amount of books,and especially math books.elliot was keen on teaching his son reading since early age,but he wasn't expecting his son to show any evident interest or even grasping to what he offered from long sessions of solving quadrantial,and calculus equations.Blowing away his father's expetations,victor showed utter genius,and profound understanding to the most complex concepts in those math books.

But at the night of his 9th birthday utterly weird things happened .while lounging on the living room sofa solving an equation in his late math homework,victor felt a surge of fear,mingled with excitement run through his body,And a moment later the equation glittered with green light on the the pale white page of the copybook ,and everything all around him from the couch's red pillows to the TV began floating high up in the air.Nothing happened,for ten seconds, until Elliot crow,scuttled into the living room with his long Victorian coat on,he held the copybook from victor's hand and shut it straight cover facing cover,Elliot looked aound him,and everything banged back to the ground.He smiled wryily at victor,who was motionless on the sofa."better you drink some water before answering any math equations",he took out a glass bottle of water from his inner chest pocket,and handed it to victor.Victor gulped up the bottle,and gazed back at his father with revulsion "ughh,this not water,it tastes very salty".A transparent liquid with a tinge of red stirred in the bottle,as victor handed it back to his father.Elliot vanished away,prancing out of the living room.But beside the strange taste of water.Victor seemd to forget the flying living room,he was gazing into the ceiling.It was the first time his father smiled to him,it was the first time he truly spoke to him without scolding him for no obvious reason.

But the biggest incident of all took place in school.At that time victor was 14.He usually ambled through the iron gates of his school,with a frowning face and,stiff ,fast strides.He held under his armpit a closed notebook,in which he solved his math equations.,victor sat down at the far left corner of the class,a position that never allowed him a good view of the black board,but he never cared for what was written on it.Mr.brown came in,with a short blonde girl beside him cupping the long tower of copybooks in her hands.She laid them down on the teacher's desk,and waited for Mr brown to allow her to return back to her seat."you can go kitty"the young girl smiled and walked back to her desk.Mr brown sat down cross legged on his chair that was facing the middle of the board,and took off from his battered leather bag the marks file

"victor crow" he began"0 out of 20"

Mr.brown sprang up pushing back his seat with the back of his knees,and glared at victor"how marvelous,how marvelous mr crow"

But victor was swimming in a sea all of his own,he couldn't even hear Brown's mocking remark.He laid the notebook open on his legs,dipped his head under the desk,and kept on scribbling down endless lines of numbers.

"mr crow,stand up"said mr brown standing right infront of victor's desk.

Vicotor gave no reply,motionless in his wooden seat.

"mr crow stand up"brown nearly shrieked breaking into a thiner voice out of anger

Victor shuddered,and stood up,poking the notebook under the desk.

"yes mr brown"

"you got 0 out of 20 in the geography exam.happy aren't you"

"no sir"

"then what the heck are you doing under the desk??"

"nothing sir,a late h-w"

"liar"

"no sir"

"you were answering your god damned math equations,I saw you and here they're you"

Mr brown pushed victor down on the desk,poked a hand between victor's open legs and wheedled out the red notebook.

"here it is,you think yourself a genius ha??"Mr brown was leafing through the endless pages filled up with numbers"you think yourself great,but let me tell you little fellow you're nothing,here me,nothing.A weirdo who thinks that he can impress some girls with meaningless equations..you're…."

Mr brown stopped,peering at the open page.It was filled up with sideways equations,one of them was spa

Comments

  1. Sleepy says:

    If you’re expecting to read another dumb story of pyrokinetic heroes, evil, dueling wizards and deadly monsters then I think you’ve chosen the wrong book.
    Our story begins in a quiet British street, where Victor Crow along with his fairly odd parents lived in a small apartment set in a broad red bricked building. But I don’t like to speak of Victor Crow so casually, for his role in this story is far greater than any one would expect. Victor Crow was just 7 years old when he first discovered that he can do math so spontaneously. Victor’s talent in solving complex equations and even creating new ones was undoubtedly miraculous.

    Since the age of 5, Victor’s father, Elliot Crow, provided Victor with a huge amount of books and especially math books. Elliot was keen on teaching his son to read from an early age but he wasn’t expecting his son to show any interest or even grasp what he was offered during the long sessions of solving quadrantial and calculus equations. Blowing away his father’s expectations, Victor showed a precocious and profound understanding of the most complex concepts that mathematics had to offer.

    But on the night of his 9th birthday something strange happened. While lounging on the living room sofa solving an equation in his math homework, Victor felt a surge of fear and excitement run through his body. A moment later, the equation glittered with green light on the the pale white page of his copybook. Everything around him, from the couch’s red pillows to the TV began floating high up into the air! Nothing happened for ten seconds until Elliot Crow scuttled into the living room with his long winter coat on. He snatched the copybook from Victor’s hand and slammed it shut. Elliot looked aound at him and everything banged back to the ground. He smiled wryly at Victor, who was motionless on the sofa."I think you should drink some water before answering any more of those equations!" He took a glass water bottle from his left inside pocket and handed it to Victor. Victor gulped from the bottle and gazed back at his father in revulsion. "Ughh! This isn’t water! It tastes salty!". A transparent liquid with a tinge of red stirred in the bottle. As Victor handed it back to his father, Elliot turned and hurriedly scuttled out of the room. But, with the strange taste of the water, Victor almost forgot the flying objects in the living room, he was gazing at the ceiling. It was the first time his father had smiled at him, it was the first time he had truly spoke to him without scolding him for no obvious reason.

    But the strangest incident of all took place in Victor’s school. At that time Victor was 14. He usually ambled through the iron gates of his school with a frowning face and stiff, fast strides. He clutched under his arm a red notebook in which he solved his math equations. Victor sat down at the far left corner of the class, a position that never allowed him a good view of the blackboard, but he never cared for what was written on it anyway.
    Mr Brown came in with a short blonde girl beside him, balancing a huge tower of copybooks in her hands. She laid them down on the teacher’s desk and waited for Mr Brown to allow her to return to her seat."You can go, Kitty." The young girl smiled and walked back to her desk. Mr Brown sat down cross legged on his chair, facing the middle of the board and took the marks file from his battered leather bag.

    "Victor Crow", he began, "0 out of 20"

    Mr Brown sprang up, pushing back his seat with the back of his knees and glared at Victor: "How marvelous! How marvelous, Mr Crow!"

    But Victor was swimming in a sea all his own, he couldn’t even hear Brown’s mocking remarks as he laid the notebook open on his legs,dipped his head under the desk and kept on scribbling down endless lines of numbers.

    "Mr Crow. Stand up!" said Mr Brown, standing right in front of Victor’s desk.

    Victor gave no reply and remained motionless in his wooden seat.

    "Mr Crow! Stand up!" Brown nearly shrieked, his voice breaking with anger.

    Victor shuddered and stood, poking the notebook under his desk.

    "Yes, Mr Brown?"

    "You got 0 out of 20 in the geography exam. Happy with that, are you?"

    "No sir."

    "Then what the heck are you doing under the desk?"

    "Nothing sir. A late homework assignment."

    "Liar."

    "No sir."

    "You were answering your god damned math equations again! I saw you drop them under your desk!"

    Mr Brown pushed Victor down on the desk, poked a hand underneath Victor’s desk and wheedled out the red notebook.

    "Here it is, you think you’re genius huh?" Mr Brown was leafing through the endless pages filled with numbers. "You think you’re great but let me tell you, little fellow you’re nothing. Nothing! A weirdo who thinks that he can impress girls with silly meaningless equations. You’re…"

    Mr Brown stopped, peering at the open page. It was filled up with sideways equations, one of them was spa

    There’s a few simple grammatical rules that you need to keep an eye on. Simple things like always putting capital letters at the start of names and places (British or Mr Brown for example). Also, you use too many commas and often don’t put a space after them. As a general rule you shouldn’t use a comma just before the word ‘and’ either. Overall, it’s pretty good. Some nice use of descriptive language, it’s just the simple rules of grammar and punctuation you need to watch out for!

  2. MyWorldisBlack says:

    Its good so far.
    There are some grammatical errors though. There should be a space between each comma and the following word. Another thing you should change is that all speech should start with a capital letter.

  3. Skeletor says:

    The grammar is pretty bad… I couldn’t get past the first paragraph. Sorry

  4. pj m says:

    Tarek,

    Here’s something you don’t want to to:

    If you’re expecting to read another dump story of pyrokinetic heroes,evil ,dueling wizards,and deadly monsters,then I think you’ve chosen the wrong book.

    This is a bad way to start out a novel. Your readers don’t want to start out by knowing their reading a book, they want to be taken away with your words. Have your character doing something immediately. Start out by placing your character someplace and give the reader what I like to call ‘a mind’s eye view’ of the area.

    I’m sorry to say, but the rest of it reads more like a manual than a novel. You do have some kind of talent for writing, but it has to be honed to a point where your words flow like in a movie.

    It’s fine to give the reader some insight on your main character, but keep it to a minimum at first. Give a little at at time. ‘The character doing something’ a little more insight. ‘The character doing something’ a little more. Like that. Too much descriptive data gets boring.

    Please don’t let anyone tell you that your writing is wonderful, good, excellent, or wow you in any way. If it needs work then they are only feeding you lip service. This doesn’t help either you or your writing.

    Good luck!

    PJ M

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