Tired of my wife being slovenly and unromantic.?

Posted by on . 13 comments.

I had worked with a lady at work who was very feminine and dress nice. She was always flirting with me and was interested in what I had to say. I know she did this to encourage me at work.


I told my wife that I should not be getting that kind of attration to other women. She is a stay at home mom and has alot of free time. Knowing her for 15 years, she only dress nice, fix her hair and wear makeup 5-10 times total. For her wedding she had makeup and never again for 9 years.

Going home, I see her hair messy, wearing baggy clothes and old clothes from high school/college (she's 38) and never in a nice perm. No make up and constantly complain about how hard it is to stay at home, take care of the kids and constantly yell at kids on homework or me if I say something.

I told her some other women, work 9-5 and still finds the time to take care of the kids and themselves and still find romance. However she is very defiant and would complain about wearing make up or fixing up her hair.

I nicely recommended paying for a spa and a salon and she would complain her hair would come out or her face would crack from the chemicals from a facial. I volunteer to take care of the kids and let her go to the gym and she kept on making excuses that appearence is not important. She doesn't like to take a date night to see a movie and complain about money despite we are doing pretty well.

Her sister would tell her that she should not have to be romantic or wear makeup and for her not to listen to me. However her sister would dress nice, wear makeup, workout and be romantic with her husband. Sometimes I feel her sister is sabotaging our marriage with bad advice.

I don't know, just the thought of being married to a woman who doesn't take care of herself, I am having second thoughts about my marriage. I don't want to be married to a wife who acts like a man and doesn't care about romance in the marriage. I don't want the kids to have divorced parents, but I just can't take it anymore.
It's also very embarrasing for her to be so messy when we have company and for her mom and my dad to tell her to lose weight.
1) Gym. Won't go because she wants to work 1 hour at the school to feel good about herself.

2) Spa. Won't go because it's too expensive and the chemicals from a facial can crack her skin.

3) Salon. Won't go because a perm will make her lose all her hair. Full of germs.

4) Nice clothes. Won't buy them because the "economy is bad" for the last 12 years. Still wears high/school/College clothes (she's 39).

5) Date night. Won't go because the economy is bad. Complains about money.

6) Makeup. Complains the "chemicals" are bad for her. So far that ain't true.

7) Complains about money and mentions that my parents don't help her with the kids as the reason about money.

Complains that we didn't buy a million dollars home by her parents' place.

Comments

  1. tess says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    This sounds highly stressful for you, because the last thing you want to be doing is questioning your relationship. These are obviously important issues for you- you want to be with someone who takes pride in themselves, makes an effort in their appearance for you, wants to have a fun time on dates and someone who can hang out with your friends and make a good impression. These issues go a lot deeper than merely her physical appearance, as they reflect on her appreciation of life- and she seems unhappy, which makes you unhappy.
    Making comments to encourage her to do activities to be happier does not seem to be working. You therefore should discuss it with her as nothing will change unless you do. But don’t make accusations or comments that focus on her appearance. Rather, ask her if she is happy, point out that she is always yelling, doesn’t want to go out, or take pride in her appearance etc. These are all signs that she is unhappy. Let her know that your relationship might not work if she is not happy, as you have become deeply unhappy. Let her know what is important to you, you want to be with someone who fully enjoys life and doing things like exercising, going on dates and taking pride in your appearance, are things that can make her happy.

  2. emeraldcoastlimo says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Whatever you do, don’t bring your gf home from work to show your wife how she should dress and wear make up.

  3. yeahright says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    yeah, u re justified to dump her. how dare she sit all day on her fat butt and not take care of herself

  4. bobcatlady2u says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    I think she needs have blood work done to get her thyroid checked. Unromantic, weight gain, not caring about how she looks, complaining and yelling this could be all thyroid related.

  5. yjgsdfad says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    i pity you, just choose and path and make sure its the right one

  6. Gaurav M says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    got bored with my life …want somthing new and fresh in my life…

  7. christie lee says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    well all i can say is that i do dress up once in a while but i look like that too. just tell her ur in a rut and she needs to start taking care of herself. take to a shrink that mite work too.

  8. lyndlyn says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Have you ever thought that she may not care about her appearance because she is really unhappy with herself and her life and possibly you? Being a stay at home mom takes a lot out of a person – constantly in a routine – endless laundry, cooking, cleaning… no one to talk to – its not like going to a job outside the home and interacting with people and having variation to your day. She probably doesn’t feel appreciated by you or the kids and therefore has low self-esteem. You should spend less time focusing on all her "faults" and focus on what she does that is GOOD… build her up and she will feel better about herself. Change her daily routine – surprise her by cleaning for her or cooking dinner…. quit focusing on what she can do for YOU focus on what you can do for HER… she needs to feel good about her self before she can do anything for you.

  9. Tres Leches says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    First of all, I don’t think it’s very fair to blame your wife for your decision to flirt and be attracted to another female. That’s on YOU, not her.

    I can totally understand how you feel- it’s really hard to be with someone who doesn’t take of themselves. It’s hard to feel that passion you first started out with.

    My best guess is that your wife is depressed and sad about her life. She doesn’t feel like you love her or want her anymore. Look at the way you just talked about her in your question. I’m sure she knows you think of her as a slob, and that really hurts.

    Maybe being a stay-at-home mom is really hard. Maybe she feels lonely and bored, or like no one understands her.

    I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling how you feel, but I really don’t think she’s doing this on purpose. There is a deeper problem here.

  10. Metoo says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Do you nag her about her looks a lot? I understand your positions but I also know where she is coming from. Does she always feel like you’re trying to change her? My boyfriend often complains about everything he wants me to do (try new foods, cut my hair, wear certain outfits, etc.) but rarely ever compliments me for all the nice things I do (cook him meals, listen to him vent, surprise him, see a movie he likes).

    I think you need to compliment her for what you DO like. Stop complaining about what you don’t like or she will just feel like you don’t like anything about her, so why should she go out of her way to impress you? If you’re anything like my man, she probably feels controlled by you!

    You may think that complaining and nagging is the way to go, but STOP! I’m sure there are things about YOU she wishes she could change too (like the fact that you won’t leave her alone about her looks). You knew what she was liked when you married her, right?

    Why don’t you change something about yourself that you know SHE would like? Does she like your hair a certain way? Does she like it when you cook? Does she like you to wear special pajamas/underwear?

    Point out all the things she does RIGHT so that when you nicely suggest something, she will feel good about herself and be more likely to listen.

  11. lolo says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    i think it would indeed be embarressing to be told by your father-in-law to lose weight. i couldn’t imagine being told such a thing from my father-in-law! i would probably turn a table over if he ever dared.

    it sounds like she’s getting told what to do from a lot of different people. you, her mom, her sister and finally your dad as well…. perhaps she is rebelling from all the "good advice". were you concerned about this before this coworker came into play?

    she might be suffering from low self esteem. women do their hair, work out and do our make up to please ourselves and feel good about our image and it should never be for the sole sake of pleasing a man. if she is unhygienic, then you have a serious problem. if she’s clean and brushes her teeth, and wears deodorant then i don’t think this is serious enough for divorce.

    why don’t you surprise her with a certificate for an all inclusive spa that has a massage therapist so that she can feel relaxed before they hit her with the scissors and "chemicals". a pedicure and manicure is a good thing too. if you tell her it’s because you think she deserves it, then good, it should be a rewarding and relaxing experience. if you tell her its because you want her to look better then she is liable to reject it, as she has with other "advice". remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.

    please do not forget that a stay at home mom is a full time job. she does not get to clock out at 5pm. if she has made your children her number one priority, then her heart is good.

  12. Common Sense says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Show her your message here on YA..
    Tell her that you have had enough ..
    If she does not change then you are
    going to divorce her…

  13. francesst says:
    September 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    if i’m reading your question right, it sounds like she was like this when you got married. if she’s only ever worn make up on your wedding day, she wasn’t wearing it before you were married. likewise for dressing up. if she’s been like this all along, why did you marry her in the first place? you can’t expect her to change simply because you got married.

    she may be struggling with depression, as some other answers said, but i think it sounds like she’s just not the type of woman who enjoys getting all dolled up.

Leave a Reply